Last night was one year ago that Jack died. Hard to believe sometimes. A friend came over. We hung out and talked until VERY late and drank some of Jack's last brew that he'd been working on. I was able to look at my watch and mark the times. I'm glad to have gotten through it.
Also, earlier in the day, the girls and I went to the Unitarian Universalist church that we've been attending. The girls and I wore our t-shirts with Jack's picture on them. I lit a candle of remberance for him. After I sat down, the tears started to silently fall. Within minutes, 2 ladies were sitting beside me, including one who remembers Jack from Ancient Ways festivals. It was good to be able to cry as long as I needed to. Another lady told me at the end of the service that her whole row was crying with me. Wow. It was comforting to get so many hugs and pats from people there.
Leading up to that day was difficult at best. It was anxiety-provoking at times. I was dreading it. I had medication to help me if needed (it was at times). In some ways, the build-up was worse than the actual day. But it was still tough. And I got through it.
The last year has been one of the most difficult years of my life. It has also been one of many things happening along with adaptation. In terms of our physical surroundings, not much has changed. I didn't want to. I'm not in a place to move, nor do I want to right now. Jack's passing was enough of a change all by itself. However here is some of what HAS happened: I have taken several trips with the girls, both by car and plane (some without help); the girls have finally been to Disneyland and met some of their favorite characters; Jack's dad has met me and the girls and spent time with us; we've connected with Jack's sisters and neice; we've found a church home where there's spiritual community and acceptance of our beliefs (we're still just as Pagan as we've always been); I've finished my RN refresher course so I can go back to work; I've adapted to being a single parent; I've found friends I didn't know I had.
Through all of this, I've still loved Jack, and I've known that he still loves me, even from the other side. There is a piece of my heart that will always be his. We remember him every day. Yet there is one thing that I'm beginning to learn through all of this: that I am loved just for me. Not because I'm Jack's widow, or that I'm Sarah and Gabby's mom. Just because I'm me. And, oddly, that has been one of the hardest lessons of all.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
The Evolution of Us
I was taking a nice, long, hot shower and thinking. (C'mon. The shower is where I do some of my best thinking!) I had run across my eulogy for Jack this evening, and I was thinking about the relationship he and I had together.
Jack and I first encountered each other at the first Ancient Ways Festival either one of us attended in 1992. And, it was more of an "encounter" than anything. Mostly, we were attracted to each other. To this day, I don't remember if we even exchanged words that year. But we were each on the other person's radar.
Around 1993, Jack started doing his astrology newsletter via e-mail. It was called the Pagan Update. The festival was where he found many of his early subscribers. I was one of his first email subscribers. So, we now had at least a casual email relationship. And, frankly, that's where it pretty much stayed for the next few years. Yes, we were both still attracted to the other. But, I was married to another man, and Jack was busily sowing his wild oats.
Then, in 1997, things changed a bit. As an aside, Jack was infamous for an alcoholic cordial he brewed every year called Sweet Liquid Trouble. Its primary ingredient was damiana, and it was an aphrodesiac liqeur. (Mighty good, too, if I do say so myself.) One day, I was sitting at my computer at home, and an email from Jack came in. The first person to answer the question right would "win a prize." And, the question was, "Why is Sweet Liquid Trouble called that?" Being the wise-ass that I can be sometimes, I immediately shot back, "Because it's liquid, can get you into trouble, but the trouble it can get you into is oh, so sweet." Lo and behold, I won the prize! (I later found out that he was really taken aback that my answer was the first response, and he wanted to get to know me better, so he decided to get creative.) What I won was him fixing me dinner at that year's Ancient Ways Festival. I was, again, working operations staff that year. I arranged for the time off. That was our first "date." He fixed me a wonderful meal of steak, veggie, and I'm-not-sure-what-else on his camp stove. We talked the whole time. It was wonderful. During that meal, he told me that I was one of his heroes. I couldn't believe this piece of news! Here was this man who I'd admired for so long for living his beliefs who saw me as a hero?! I asked him why. He then told me that I had said that I was going to change my life, and here I was about to start nursing school. So many say that they're going to change their life, but never do. My response was yet another wise-ass remark: "Ok, fine. Just so long as I'm not the wind beneath your wings." He told me that that was the moment he realized that I was always throwing out zingers like that, and he needed to pay closer attention to what I said. (As an aside, Glenn Turner, the organizer of the Festival was a guest at our wedding in 2002. And when I saw her at PantheaCon this year, I told her that if it weren't for her, our 2 girls wouldn't be here. She immediately asked if she could be honorary grandmother. Of course she could!)
Fast forward to summer 1999. We had a few wonderful week-ends together, but it didn't work out at that time. Yet, I realized as a result of the time that we did spend together that there was something better out there for me. Whether it was with Jack or not, there was something better.
Finally, in Jan. 2000, things in my life were such that they could work out between us. We started dating seriously. What I didn't realize at the time was that Jack felt just as serious about me as I felt about him. The man seriously courted me. He played the guitar and sang songs. We had romantic dinners. He cooked for me. I'd be all worried that, for some reason, he would suddenly not be interested in me. He'd say, "Honey, J.B.Y. Just be yourself." He had to move within a month or 6 weeks of us dating again, and the separation of 18 days just about killed us. It was tough!
Then, on the morning of April 16, 2000, Jack pulled his chair around to face me and take my hand. The conversation went something like this:
Jack: "If I ask you a question, do you promise not to laugh?"
Me: "Sure. What's the question?"
Jack: "Will you go steady with me?"
Me: "Well, what does that mean?"
Jack: "It means that we're exclusive, and we aren't seeing anyone else."
Me: "Of course I will. It's what I'm already doing."
He then produced a blue star saphire ring that fit my left ring finger. The ring matched one that he already owned. That was the moment that I knew for certain that he felt as strongly about me as I felt about him. And it was the best feeling in the world. And it only got better from there.
Jack and I first encountered each other at the first Ancient Ways Festival either one of us attended in 1992. And, it was more of an "encounter" than anything. Mostly, we were attracted to each other. To this day, I don't remember if we even exchanged words that year. But we were each on the other person's radar.
Around 1993, Jack started doing his astrology newsletter via e-mail. It was called the Pagan Update. The festival was where he found many of his early subscribers. I was one of his first email subscribers. So, we now had at least a casual email relationship. And, frankly, that's where it pretty much stayed for the next few years. Yes, we were both still attracted to the other. But, I was married to another man, and Jack was busily sowing his wild oats.
Then, in 1997, things changed a bit. As an aside, Jack was infamous for an alcoholic cordial he brewed every year called Sweet Liquid Trouble. Its primary ingredient was damiana, and it was an aphrodesiac liqeur. (Mighty good, too, if I do say so myself.) One day, I was sitting at my computer at home, and an email from Jack came in. The first person to answer the question right would "win a prize." And, the question was, "Why is Sweet Liquid Trouble called that?" Being the wise-ass that I can be sometimes, I immediately shot back, "Because it's liquid, can get you into trouble, but the trouble it can get you into is oh, so sweet." Lo and behold, I won the prize! (I later found out that he was really taken aback that my answer was the first response, and he wanted to get to know me better, so he decided to get creative.) What I won was him fixing me dinner at that year's Ancient Ways Festival. I was, again, working operations staff that year. I arranged for the time off. That was our first "date." He fixed me a wonderful meal of steak, veggie, and I'm-not-sure-what-else on his camp stove. We talked the whole time. It was wonderful. During that meal, he told me that I was one of his heroes. I couldn't believe this piece of news! Here was this man who I'd admired for so long for living his beliefs who saw me as a hero?! I asked him why. He then told me that I had said that I was going to change my life, and here I was about to start nursing school. So many say that they're going to change their life, but never do. My response was yet another wise-ass remark: "Ok, fine. Just so long as I'm not the wind beneath your wings." He told me that that was the moment he realized that I was always throwing out zingers like that, and he needed to pay closer attention to what I said. (As an aside, Glenn Turner, the organizer of the Festival was a guest at our wedding in 2002. And when I saw her at PantheaCon this year, I told her that if it weren't for her, our 2 girls wouldn't be here. She immediately asked if she could be honorary grandmother. Of course she could!)
Fast forward to summer 1999. We had a few wonderful week-ends together, but it didn't work out at that time. Yet, I realized as a result of the time that we did spend together that there was something better out there for me. Whether it was with Jack or not, there was something better.
Finally, in Jan. 2000, things in my life were such that they could work out between us. We started dating seriously. What I didn't realize at the time was that Jack felt just as serious about me as I felt about him. The man seriously courted me. He played the guitar and sang songs. We had romantic dinners. He cooked for me. I'd be all worried that, for some reason, he would suddenly not be interested in me. He'd say, "Honey, J.B.Y. Just be yourself." He had to move within a month or 6 weeks of us dating again, and the separation of 18 days just about killed us. It was tough!
Then, on the morning of April 16, 2000, Jack pulled his chair around to face me and take my hand. The conversation went something like this:
Jack: "If I ask you a question, do you promise not to laugh?"
Me: "Sure. What's the question?"
Jack: "Will you go steady with me?"
Me: "Well, what does that mean?"
Jack: "It means that we're exclusive, and we aren't seeing anyone else."
Me: "Of course I will. It's what I'm already doing."
He then produced a blue star saphire ring that fit my left ring finger. The ring matched one that he already owned. That was the moment that I knew for certain that he felt as strongly about me as I felt about him. And it was the best feeling in the world. And it only got better from there.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Widowhood, Holidays, and Life
This was our first holiday season without Jack. What can I say? We made it through intact, and that was a good thing. We made some new traditions, and we kept some old ones.
For Thanksgiving, we travelled to southern CA to spend the holiday week-end with Jack's family. It was the first Thanksgiving that we spent with them. When Jack was alive, he and I loved to cook the Thanksgiving meal. He did the bird, and I did most of the trimmings. We had fun, and we worked well together. The trip went well, and it was good to see everyone. I enjoyed having a holiday where I didn't have to cook. The food was good, the company great, and I made at least one new friend. On the other hand, it was sad to not have Jack with us in person. I'm sure he was there in spirit, though.
We stayed home for Christmas. The girls and I had a small Solstice celebration at home. We had a few friends over for the evening. We burned the Yule Log, which was bittersweet. I told the girls that we were sending the spirit of last Solstice up to Papa in Summerland. Last year, Sarah really cried when we burned the Yule Log. This year, she was fine with it. For me, it was bittersweet to see the log go up in flames. While it was the right thing to do, and the tradition in our home, it was also sad to see that representation of our last Solstice together go up in flames. On Christmas Santa was very good to the girls. They got pretty much what they asked Santa for. There were also some lovely gifts for me under the tree; some to consume, and some to hang up. My mom joined us, and it was spent quietly at home.
Today, I was changing the sheets on our bed. I put one of my favorite sets on the bed. They are the first set of 400 thread count sheets that I bought for Jack years ago before we were living together. After the fitted sheet was on, I could actually see the slight wear marks from where we both slept so many times. It was just another reminder that he's not here anymore. I find little reminders as I go through daily life just like that one. The intense pain of it is less than it was, but it's still noticable and a part of my life.
Life is moving on whether I want it to or not. I'm about to start the clinical portion of my nursing refresher course next week, so life is about to get a lot busier. Jack would be pleased that I've made it this far. After all, our last conversation was him being supportive of me doing the refresher course. I still wish that he was here to tell me in person.
For Thanksgiving, we travelled to southern CA to spend the holiday week-end with Jack's family. It was the first Thanksgiving that we spent with them. When Jack was alive, he and I loved to cook the Thanksgiving meal. He did the bird, and I did most of the trimmings. We had fun, and we worked well together. The trip went well, and it was good to see everyone. I enjoyed having a holiday where I didn't have to cook. The food was good, the company great, and I made at least one new friend. On the other hand, it was sad to not have Jack with us in person. I'm sure he was there in spirit, though.
We stayed home for Christmas. The girls and I had a small Solstice celebration at home. We had a few friends over for the evening. We burned the Yule Log, which was bittersweet. I told the girls that we were sending the spirit of last Solstice up to Papa in Summerland. Last year, Sarah really cried when we burned the Yule Log. This year, she was fine with it. For me, it was bittersweet to see the log go up in flames. While it was the right thing to do, and the tradition in our home, it was also sad to see that representation of our last Solstice together go up in flames. On Christmas Santa was very good to the girls. They got pretty much what they asked Santa for. There were also some lovely gifts for me under the tree; some to consume, and some to hang up. My mom joined us, and it was spent quietly at home.
Today, I was changing the sheets on our bed. I put one of my favorite sets on the bed. They are the first set of 400 thread count sheets that I bought for Jack years ago before we were living together. After the fitted sheet was on, I could actually see the slight wear marks from where we both slept so many times. It was just another reminder that he's not here anymore. I find little reminders as I go through daily life just like that one. The intense pain of it is less than it was, but it's still noticable and a part of my life.
Life is moving on whether I want it to or not. I'm about to start the clinical portion of my nursing refresher course next week, so life is about to get a lot busier. Jack would be pleased that I've made it this far. After all, our last conversation was him being supportive of me doing the refresher course. I still wish that he was here to tell me in person.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Crystals of "Wrong"-ness
Jack used to say that guys had a hard time admitting that they were wrong. The riff went something like this: "I've been practicing saying it in front of a mirror. 'I was wrr. I was wrrru. I was wruuuh.'" Just couldn't get it out. So, if one of us was admitting that we were a little bit wrong, we'd say that we were "wruh." It was just one of those "Jack and Linda" things.
At some point while we were living in Redmond, we'd had some sort of disagreement. I don't even remember what it was about. Just that we didn't agree. Then, one evening, he came home from work with a small gift for me. It was a cut crystal on a string with beads. He had come up with a new tradition. When one of us was seriously wrong, the person who was wrong would buy the other a crystal to hang in the kitchen window. This was a way of reminding ourselves that we were actually WRONG sometimes.
As the years passed, we continued this tradition. I was the last one to have to buy a crystal. It happened not too long before Jack died. When the incident occurred, I said to Jack, "OK, I was wrong, but not 'crystal wrong'." To which he said, "Oh yes, you were. You owe me a crystal." Of course, I made good on our tradition. The window got fairly full, and it's sad that we won't be adding to them. But it was a really good tradition to acknowledge our wrongness. 
At some point while we were living in Redmond, we'd had some sort of disagreement. I don't even remember what it was about. Just that we didn't agree. Then, one evening, he came home from work with a small gift for me. It was a cut crystal on a string with beads. He had come up with a new tradition. When one of us was seriously wrong, the person who was wrong would buy the other a crystal to hang in the kitchen window. This was a way of reminding ourselves that we were actually WRONG sometimes.
As the years passed, we continued this tradition. I was the last one to have to buy a crystal. It happened not too long before Jack died. When the incident occurred, I said to Jack, "OK, I was wrong, but not 'crystal wrong'." To which he said, "Oh yes, you were. You owe me a crystal." Of course, I made good on our tradition. The window got fairly full, and it's sad that we won't be adding to them. But it was a really good tradition to acknowledge our wrongness.
[This photo doesn't do them justice. If you've ever been to my house in WA, you've seen them in the kitchen window. The moon faerie was purchased at an art festival in San Ramon while we were still living in CA. (It's a fairie and mermaid sitting on the moon.)]
Monday, October 19, 2009
The Bathroom
As almost everybody knows, Jack died while taking a shower. He was using the shower, as he always did, that was just off the master bedroom. It was "his" bathroom. I almost never used it except if I had to get up in the middle of the night to pee.
Ever since he died, it's been weird using that bathroom. I could still see what had happened there back in March. I went in there even less than I had before. I didn't clean it because it basically wasn't being used hardly at all. And I just didn't want to face it.
I was talking to a friend about this recently, and she suggested that it might be good for me on more than one level to clean it myself. I was thinking of asking someone else or hiring someone to do it. But what she said made sense. So, last week, when I was doing other cleaning around the house, I did it. I cleaned the bathroom. The shower. The toilet. The sink. The mirror. Threw out his used razors. Swept the floor.
You know, I feel better for having done that chore myself. The anticipation was worse than the actual doing of the task. And it feels better in there in more ways than one. I'm comfortable using it finally. My thanks to my friend for the advice. I'm glad I did it.
Ever since he died, it's been weird using that bathroom. I could still see what had happened there back in March. I went in there even less than I had before. I didn't clean it because it basically wasn't being used hardly at all. And I just didn't want to face it.
I was talking to a friend about this recently, and she suggested that it might be good for me on more than one level to clean it myself. I was thinking of asking someone else or hiring someone to do it. But what she said made sense. So, last week, when I was doing other cleaning around the house, I did it. I cleaned the bathroom. The shower. The toilet. The sink. The mirror. Threw out his used razors. Swept the floor.
You know, I feel better for having done that chore myself. The anticipation was worse than the actual doing of the task. And it feels better in there in more ways than one. I'm comfortable using it finally. My thanks to my friend for the advice. I'm glad I did it.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Heart Walk 2009
This blog entry is way overdue. Better late than never.
On 10/3, the Heart Association had its annual Heart Walk in Seattle. I decided to do it this year as a way to remember Jack and also for research into congenital heart defects. So, I had shirts made up with Jack's picture on them for me and the girls.
They closed down the Alaskan Way Viaduct for this. For those not familar with Seattle, it's a raised highway that runs past a lot of the Seattle waterfront. During the walk, the viaduct was wall-to-wall people. It was pretty cool to be a part of something so large.
We were able to meet up with our friends, Wyndi, Steven & Izzie, and walk with them. They made it so much easier. They helped look after Sarah, and even let her ride in Izzie's stroller for awhile, plus on their shoulders for a bit. Gabby did the whole thing in her stroller. I had some help pushing her along the way, but I did most of the walk pushing 26 plus pounds of kid on top of the walk.
Sarah & Izzie & Izzie's dad, Steven
The walk was a total of 5K. That's around 3.6 miles, I think. We did it in just over an hour. We had fun doing it, and I certainly got my exercise for the day! I raised just ofer $700 for the AHA, and a total of $1.1 million was raised in the Seattle area. My thanks to everyone who contributed and supported us in our efforts!
The 3 of us after the walk wearing our matching shirts
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Connections
I have come to realize that I will always have a deep connection to Jack. This goes beyond him being the father of my children. It's on a deeper level than that. No matter what my life may look like in the future, or who I may be with, there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)